


With you I'll be just fine

by TypicalNerd98



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blonde Jaskier | Dandelion, Creature Jaskier | Dandelion, Depression, Gay Disaster Jaskier | Dandelion, Gentle Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Bad at Apologies, Getting Together, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Immortal Jaskier | Dandelion, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, M/M, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, Part-Elf Jaskier | Dandelion, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poor Jaskier | Dandelion, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, healing from abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalNerd98/pseuds/TypicalNerd98
Summary: When Julian Alfred Pankratz was born, his head was full of golden locks that mirrored his mother’s, along with cornflower eyes and slightly pointy ears. It wasn't a problem, until it is. 17 years later, Jaskier leaves his home and along the way meets Geralt of Rivia, while fighting with who he is and what is right or wrong. Fortunately for him, Geralt is there with him and helps Jaskier get better, showing him that he can love whoever he wants without a shame.
Relationships: Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 9
Kudos: 195





	With you I'll be just fine

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted on my tumblr "typicalnerd98" be sure to visit me there.   
> Now enjoy!

When Julian Alfred Pankratz was born, his head was full of golden locks that mirrored his mother’s, along with cornflower eyes and slightly pointy ears. It wasn’t a problem at first, until he got older.

At age of twelve, Julian was pretty. Too pretty for his father’s taste. His golden hair was long and pulled into a low ponytail with a blue bow, that matched both his eyes and clothes. He was getting a lot of attention from everyone, because of his beauty it also didn’t help that he loved music far more, than more manly activities.

All that caused daily arguments between Julian’s father and his mother.

“He’s not normal! He acts like a woman! Not a man! I need a son and not a-a freak!” yelled Julian’s father, one evening while Julian sat on the stairs listening.

“No! He’s just a child! He’s perfectly normal! You’re too harsh for him! Maybe if you were more kind and spent some time with him—“ defended Julian’s mother, until her husband cut her off harshly.

“Spend time?! I’m w Lord! I don’t have time for such matters! A woman should be raising children! And be kind? He’s a boy! He needs to be strong! And the way that he dresses! You will stop putting him in these colourful clothes! And you will cut off his disgusting hair!” yelled Julian’s father and left the common room and went to his office, slamming the doors shut.

Julian bit his hand to stop himself from crying loudly. He quietly went back to his room and spent the night touching his long and soft hair, knowing that in the morning they’ll be cut short.

At the age of fifteen, Julian’s golden hair was short (yet long enough to keep his weird ears hidden) but still beautiful, his figure was slim but toned because of the exercises, his father made him endure. His once colourful clothes were now dull and mostly brown, black or sometimes dark gold.

But still many people were complementing his beauty, mostly by calling him pretty. It always made Julian’s father angry, his eyes would be filled with rage and shame, while his hands would clench into fists, that would later be used to hit Julian’s face. Trying to dim his prettiness.

After so many years of hate coming from his father, Julian started to hate his looks as well. His hair that was too soft and too gold for a man, his ears were weird and pointy, his eyes were too bright, his eyelashes were too thick and long, his figure while well toned was too soft, just like his skin. He hated himself. He thought that he deserved the bruises and scars.

But as much as he felt, like he deserved being hated for his looks. He still didn’t let his father, make him hate his music. Julian continued to sing and play on his lute whenever he found the time, wrote his songs and even some poems.

It was an early evening as Julian was sitting in the gardens, writing his new song about the beauty of flowers and the sunset, when a servant told him that his father wants to see him in his office. Quickly Julian hid his parchment, under a rock in the gardens and went to see his father.

As he entered his fathers office, he hid his trembling hands behind his back and bowed saying.

“You wanted to see me, father”

The Lord of Lettenhove nodded at him and took out a box, filled with many glass bottles saying harshly.

“You will wash your disgusting hair with this from now on. Half a bottle should last for a month. It will make your hair look like mine, making you look like a man. Not a whore”

Julian flinched slightly at the word, even though his father called him that most of the time when he was beating him. But still he nodded and said.

“Thank you, for your gracefulness. Father”

The man nodded at him, looking pleased saying.

“Away with you, boy. I want to see your hair changed tomorrow morning”

Julian took the box and left his fathers office, his heart a bit heavy and a bit relieved to hide his hair.

After Julian changed his hair, his father bacame more calm but still was harsh. People were still complementing him but this time by calling him handsome. Which didn’t make his father angry and ashamed.

But his mother wasn’t happy, she still was arguing with his father. Mostly about how wrong it was to make Julian change, but she never won against her husband.

This small peace lasted until Julian was seventeen. And his father forbid him to play his lute and sing.

“You will stop this foolishness, immediately boy! A man shouldn’t be playing and singing like a cheap whore!” yelled Julian’s father.

If it were about Julian’s looks, he would agree and try to change. But this is about his music. The only thing left that he loved about himself.

“NO! You will not take this away from me! I won’t allow it! You can beat me, curse at me and yell all you want! But you won’t be taking the music away from me!”

The Lord of Lettenhove, was red with anger as he punched Julian yelling.

“Then you will leave. From now on. You’re not my son anymore. Now leave and don’t you dare to come back. It will be a blessing to have you gone, you whore! For all the shit you brought into this family!”

“No! Please no! My husband! Please let him stay! Please!” yelled Julian’s mother, falling on her knees with tears in her cornflower eyes, pointy ears red at the ends from anger.

But her husband didn’t listen he simply pushed, Julian who was trying to get up saying.

“Quiet. Woman. We will have other children. Who will not disappoint us”

His wife let out a sobb as Julian got up finally, wiping the blood from his mouth. He glared at his father saying.

“Fuck. You. I’ll be happy not to return here”

With that said he spat blood into his father’s face and left the mansion, with nothing but his lute.

After that night, Julian threw away his name and became Jaskier. He studied at the Oxenfurt academy and became a bard, wearing colourful clothes and jewellery that he always loved. But he still continued on using the potions to change his hair colour to brown and cut it leaving it long enough to hide his ears. Because only then he was able to look in the mirror and not feel disgusting.

But soon the disgust came back to him as he started to feel something more towards men, than towards women. While he still thought that women were beautiful and worth every praise. His feelings towards men, were… a bit different. His heart was beating fast whenever a handsome man sent him a smile or touched him, Jaskier found himself being attracted sexually towards men. And it disgusted him. He was a freak after all, he was abnormal and really a disappointment.

He felt like a monster.

Soon after this discovery, Jaskier surrounded himself with women. Whenever it came to sex, it was always one sided, Jaskier would please the woman with his hands and mouth, trying to hide the fact that he never felt arousal. His dick was definitely broken. There was something wrong with him.

And then, he met Geralt of Rivia.

Something inside Jaskier, urged him to talk to the witcher. And he did.

Which resulted in, Jaskier following the man for twenty years. And feeling something more towards him, something special not like with other men. Yet Jaskier always told himself that he simply likes Geralt. Nothing more. Nothing disgusting.

Jaskier stopped following Geralt after the witcher, made it known that the bard wasn’t welcome. His words reminding him about his father.

Around three months of heartbre— _NO!_ after the end of their _friendship_. Friends didn’t break each others hearts. Jaskier was performing at an inn, when Geralt walked in with a small figure following him closely. They sat at the dark corner of the room, but Jaskier could feel the Witcher’s stare. It made him shiver.

After his performance, Jaskier tried to ran away to his room when a rough hand grabbed his soft one. He looked up to see Geralt staring at him with soft face, whispering.

“Can we talk? Please”

Jaskier looked down at their joined hands as his heart fluttered in his chest. He quickly took his hand away and crushed the feeling, whispering unsurely.

“A-Alright”

Geralt nodded although there was a frown on his face, glaring at his own hand that just seconds ago held Jaskier’s. But still he turned and said softly to the small girl in a hood, that was right behind him.

“Stay here with Yennefer”

That’s when Jaskier noticed that Yennefer was also here, sitting at Geralt’s table. The girl nodded and hesitantly left to join Yennefer.

Jaskier led Geralt to his room and as the doors shut, he crossed his arms asking.

“What do you need Geralt?”

The witcher was quiet for some time, before saying.

“I… I want to apologise. The mountain. It was a mistake. You didn’t deserve it, Jaskier. And I was hoping that… that…”

“That what, Geralt?” whispered Jaskier, weakly.

The witcher glared at his hands but grunted out “That you would travel with me. Stay… at my side”

Jaskier wanted to say yes and jump into Geralt’s arms. But still he asked.

“And why? Why would I do that? And why are you… here?”

Geralt clenched his fists, making Jaskier jump slightly as the thought of his father. But the witcher was so focused on finding his words that he didn’t notice.

“I… I _need_ you Jaskier” the witcher grit out, as if it was hurting him to say it, “And I… _FUCK_ Jaskier! I-I…”

Jaskier tilted his head in confusion, asking “You what?”

Geralt stood there for a moment before whispering harshly “ _fuck_ ” and suddenly kissed him.

At first Jaskier gasped in happiness, but then he realised that this wasn’t right. Men can’t kiss men. It’s weird and not right! He can’t! He’s disgusting, Geralt can’t be like him!

Jaskier pushed Geralt away, his breathing became fast as tears started running down his cheeks.

“N-No!!! I-I it’s not _right_!! I-I can’t! You you can’t Geralt! I’m _wrong_! I’m-I’m _disgusting_ don’t kiss me! You have Yennefer! A _woman_!”

Geralt looked shocked, as he asked “What?”

Jaskier was chocking on his tears as he yelled “We can’t! We-We can’t! It’s wrong! _I’m_ wrong! You have Yennefer! _You’re_ normal! You can’t kiss me! I’m a _disease_!”

“Jaskier what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m wrong! I-I feel _something_ towards… towards men! I know that I shouldn’t! I try to fight it! But… my dick doesn’t work, I’m _sick_! Can’t be a proper man! Can’t fall in love with a woman!” Jaskier said quickly, while trembling he knew that Geralt will kill him. He’s a monster. A freak. But he can’t stop himself from saying.

“And-and I-I feel something towards you! I know it’s wrong! You can kill me Geralt… I know that I’m a _monster_ ”

As he was crying on the ground, Geralt kneeled in front of him saying.

“ _Who_ told you all this shit?”

“M-My father… and every teacher in Lettenhove. It’s _unnatural_ and—“

He was cut off by angry Geralt, saying harshly “ _Bullshit_! It’s _normal_ Jaskier! They _lied_ to you! Love is love. Doesn’t matter if you’re a man, woman or even a _fucking_ horse. You’re _normal_! You’re not a monster, people who made you think all that shit are _monsters_. I fucking _love_ you Jaskier. Do you think of me as a monster?”

Jaskier quickly responded “Never! You’re perfect Geralt! You’re not a monster! But still I’m not normal… always was too _pretty_. Too _soft_. Too much like a _woman_. Too _freakish_ …”

Geralt growled like an animal and grabbed Jaskier’s chin saying “You’re _perfect_ Jaskier. Always were. And you’re as much of a man as the bravest _fucking_ knight on this continent! Maybe even _more_ ”

“But you didn’t _see_ me! My hair it’s… _disgusting_! It’s not something to be ashamed of! And-and my _ears_! They’re _weird_ too!”

The witcher signed and said “They’re _not_ weird. You’re part elf Jaskier. I thought you knew”

Jaskier’s blood ran cold as he asked “ _What?!_ ”

Geralt sighned and grabbed Jaskier’s hand “I could feel it ever since we met. I thought that you knew and just didn’t want to tell me. Also I know that you’re dyeing your hair, I can smell the potion on you always. But I— I _waited_ for you to tell me everything. I was being _patient_ … but I see now that… that you’re _hurting_. I-I want to _help_ you”

“Why?” whispered Jaskier, as he looked at their joined hands. It felt so good but still his mind was screaming at him that it was wrong. That he couldn’t make Geralt sick like he is.

The witcher growled, probably because he spoke way too much during their conversation but still said “Because I _fucking_ fell in _love_ with _you_ , Jaskier. And I can’t watch you being hurt because some _fuckers_ lied to you”

Jaskier cried out and asked “I feel _so_ wrong Geralt! I always did! I-I wanted to end all of this so many times! But then I met _you_ and-and felt a bit normal for a while! Even though I started to feel something _more_ towards you, I ignored it and continued on being with you… _please_ help me! I’m tired of being hurt! I-I want the pain to go away… _please_ help me”

Geralt wrapped his body around the bard, even though he tensed at the contact and said “I’ll help you Jaskier. I _promise_ ”

Four years later, Jaskier was sitting on his bed. His hands sweaty and running through his golden hair. It was the first time when he let the potion wash away completely and the hair to grow. He put it in a low ponytail like he used to wear when he was young, he should already leave his room and go down to the training grounds to watch Ciri train like he promised. But he was too nervous. What if they realised that he was too pretty and too weird? What if they kicked him out?

_No._

He was _normal_. He was _okay_. He doesn’t have to worry, _they_ were wrong. Jaskier is a _man_ and is _normal_.

With that he stood up and nodded, leaving the room to go to the training grounds. As he was walking through the halls, someone called out to him.

“Jaskier!”

He turned to see Yennefer coming towards him, her expression bored.

“There you are. Ciri was asking about you, come on _bard_ let’s hurry”

Jaskier was shocked. She didn’t even react to the fact that his brown hair from yesterday was now golden. It made him gain a bit of confidence.

As they walked out to the training grounds, Jaskier put on a smile hiding his nerves.

“Well! What a wonderful day!”

Geralt, tensed slightly at the sight of him and cast a glare towards Eskel and Lambert who were staring at him in shock. But seeing Geralt’s murderous glare, they blinked and nodded at the bard.

“Someone overslept! We were waiting for you bard. The little one didn’t want to train without you here” said Lambert teasingly.

The sixteen year old girl glared at Lambert, looking a lot like Geralt saying “He promised to be here! So it’s natural that we would wait!”

Eskel let out a laugh and said “Okay now our baby witcher. Put the claws away, your favourite bard is here. Now let begin”

Ciri huffed but smiled at Jaskier brightly, clearly happy that he’s here.

Geralt ruffled the girls white hair and said to her “Try not to damage Lambert too hard. We might still need that prick”

She let out a laugh, as Lambert yelled at Geralt to fuck off. Soon the training began but Geralt went to stand beside Jaskier.

Jaskier’s heart was hammering against his chest, as Geralt hugged him and kissed his hair. Only whispering lowly.

“I’m happy, that you’re finally comfortable with it”

The golden haired elf squeezed him witcher whispering “Thank you. It’s all thanks to you..”

Geralt pulled back to look into Jaskier’s eyes saying “Never thank me for it. You don’t have to”

Jaskier smiled at him and blinked back tears. Feeling safe, normal and in _love_. With a man. With Geralt.

In the evening he and Geralt were standing on the balcony. Looking at the mountains, when finally Jaskier broke the comfortable silence whispering softly.

“I love you”

Geralt quickly turned to look at Jaskier with a shocked expression. Because it’s the first time that Jaskier said it out loud.

The witcher quickly covered his shock with a smile and answered.

“And I love you”

Jaskier smiled at him and decided that he’s ready. So he asked quietly and shyly.

“Geralt. Can you kiss me?”

“Are you sure you’re ready? We can still wait. We have almost eternity, Jaskier” said Geralt, in worry and patience.

Jaskier thought for a while, but decided that he’s ready. He wants to kiss Geralt. He knows that it’s alright. He loves him.

“I’m ready”

And just like that Geralt leaned towards him and kissed gently and lovingly. As if Jaskier was the most precious and important thing in the whole universe.

Jaskier immediately kissed him back, feeling at peace. He still might have a long way to go. But he knows that while Geralt is with him, he’ll be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that you liked it! Please leave a comment and kudos!   
> Also remember that love is love! No matter what!   
> Happy Pride Month my loves! <3
> 
> P.S. Visit my tumblr for more Geraskier stuff!!


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